Thursday, February 17, 2011
as long as there is life... there is hope
I realized today that happiness is my decision.
I also realized both sadness and happiness can exist at the same time in one heart. But a face can carry a smile no matter what goes on in the heart.
The only reason I was able to stop crying and fall asleep last night was because I prayed to God. I asked him to take away my pain at least for the night, to give me comfort and peace.....
I felt the comfort and the peace as I fell asleep, and my dreams were calm and nice.
Then today, today was a gift.
I woke up and the first thing I did was cry.
And once again I knelt by my bed and prayed to God. I asked him to give me peace, to help me through my pain, to help me see his hand in my life, his blessings all around me, to smile, to laugh, to feel happiness, to feel hopeful.
I tried to be positive, but by the time I got to the bus station in the dark and cold I felt like I was losing the fight and thought to myself "what is the point". I seriously considered going home and getting back into bed while the tears were making their way down my cheeks. Just then someone threw their little arms around me and called out "UNNUR" and I recognized my nieces voice. She hugged me and told me her class was going to an art museum. We got on the same bus, and she held my hand the whole way. She was angel number one.
Todays class was not in our usual class room. We went to an old folks home. I sat there listening to the lady explaining how important human connections are, physical contact, friendship and hope. It is very important that the elderly have these things in their lives. They need the same things I need. I looked around me at the people with white hair and so much knowledge, so much love in their eyes and smiles. I was surrounded by angels.
I got a ride with a girl in my class who I barely know. She laughs at the same things I laugh at. And we talked for a long time. She had hope to share. She was one of my angels today too.
I walked to the bus and on my way a girl I have never seen before smiled at me. I felt loved. She was also and angel.
I decided happiness was my choice. I can choose to ignore all these little blessings God has given me freely, and focus on the pain of lost love. Or... I can feel all the love I have been given, and all the love I have to give. I can give it freely and be uplifted by giving as well as receiving.
So I sent him a text. I told him I miss hearing from him, and I miss hanging out with him.
He didn't reply and for a short moment I felt pain again... but then I remembered, I had meant what I said. I miss him, I miss hearing from him, I miss hanging out with him. I am not ashamed of saying it, and I wouldn't take it back. It was sent with love from a friend to a friend. So what if he doesn't reply. I still felt love for him when I sent it, and there is nothing to stop me from continuing with that feeling of love, not specifically towards him, but just in general, to feel love. Nothing can stop me from feeling happiness and love and hope except my own poisonous thoughts.
Then at the bus stop my bum was warm because I was wearing black jeans, and the sun was out. With ice and snow on the ground, a warm bum made me smile.
At the grocery store there was a long line at the register, but I didn't really care. I was happy to be alive and be able to stand in line, to buy food, to smile at the others in line. This lady walked up, I let her step in front of me. She smiled, I smiled and life was really good. Why is it people let moments like that pass them by as if they mean nothing. A moment later another register opened and a man asked me if I would like to go first. I smiled and he smiled... and life was really good.
I could keep going with this... but I think you get the point.
I am not saying I will not cry again. I am not perfect. But today was gift and I am thankful!
So tonight I will pray to God. I will thank him for angels, for smiles, laughs, ice cream and brownies, my friends silly face, the opportunity to give love and feel like I am the one who gained from giving. I will thank God for everything.
Without pain, I would not have realized all these things. I would have had no reason to.
This can be a beginning.... its up to me.
I am choosing happiness.