I went to the movies the other night, had sort of a "me" night where I decided to do whatever I wanted... I wanted to hang out with Maliana, I wanted to eat out, I wanted to go tanning and I wanted to see "He's just not that into you". I just didn't want what happened after that.
I was feeling totally fine just after we watched the movie, it is the sort of movie where you can take your group of friends and figure out who is most like who in the movie. It was good fun. I turned out to be most like Gigi. Which at the moment made me really happy since she ended up with the guy I would have picked in the movie. It wasnt until I woke up a an hour earlier than I was planning on this morning that I realized that I might very well be Gigi, but I am still freaking single! and I see no end to making an ass of myself for the next millennium or so! life is so unfair!!
I thought I was really happy, and that the last disappointment in my non existent love life had not been such a great disappointment at all! This morning it also dawned on me how much of a dissapointment that was. All at once.
I had a dream that brought all this on, usually I love dreams, but I didnt so much love this one.
I dreamed that I was at a YSA convention and this guy I liked (hypothetically) was not there, I kept waiting for him but somehow fate always put us in different places. Then while getting icecream with some friends after one of the dances I realized he was always like a few paces behind me. I waited for him to catch up but he never did. I had almost decided to let it be and move on with my life, but just then I decided I wanted to take the chance, so I went back to where he was and we hugged, while hugging him I decided I wasnt going to let go until he let go and just then he sort of laughed because it was getting pretty awkward. So we start talking and it was very difficult, then he said "you look really good" and i looked down at myself and saw that I was wearing the ugliest frock I have ever seen! I looked at him and said thank you! then, because I liked him I said "you look good too" and just when I said it I realized he was wearing a guy version of my outfit, and we didn't look good at all! we looked like a pair of farmers, or 80's utah mormons in beige felt! it was gross! and but when I realized we matched it wasnt such a big deal anymore, so I said "hey, we match!" and from then on the conversation just kept being awkward until he said "I have to go" and I was like ohh fine... and I was going to ask him if I could go with him since I didnt want to hang out with my friends anymore, but he was already on the phone and not paying me any attention. After a minute I decided to go after him. He was just around the corner sitting on a bench with some sort of a Bishop character, I asked him if I might have a word with him to which he said "sure" and moved aside a bit so I could sit. ohh by the way, he was all of a sudden wearing a suit and I was still ugly, and mr. Bishop type person wouldnt move. So I was about to say "ok so I like you and I am sorry I am no fun, but you make me nervous and I never know what to say around you anymore, but I promise you, if you can just bare with me until I get over the nervousness I can be fun again!" but just then I woke up to my stupid alarm! set an hour early for one reason or another!
Just as well, I dont like making a fool of myself in real life and although it is a bit more bearable in dreams it still isnt always worth it. I could have slept longer just to hear him say "no, I don't like you, you stink like dog poo, you are made of dog poo and you are ugly!" so I think it was a pretty good place to exit dreamworld and enter reality.
In reality, I realize I miss a couple of guys whos friendships mean a lot to me and at the same time they make me walk on the edge of perfect self controll where I could so easily fall into the vast void that is insanity due to irrational infatuation.
But at the same time, I tell myself I don't care much that I am so single these days since I have a fan, and although I am not interested in him, I appreciate his attention and the flowers he brings me. They make me smile (and yes, I know how Gigi it is of me to say things like "he is a fan of mine" since he has not made a real move at all, is simply friendly and a nice guy).
to be continued.....