I finished my finals already, got four out of five grades back. I didn't do as well as I set out to do. Life seems to always go differently then I expected. I am not mad though... not anymore. I went through a phase not to long ago where I was mad. I don't think being mad gets you anywhere. If you want something in life and you don't succeed try again. A quitter never wins and winner never quits. Doesn't mean the winners had it easy.
I thought by now I would have no dept, be married, have a real job, a nice apartment.
When I was 8-ish years old I decided to not get married until I was old! like 23!
now I am 25, live in my parents basement, have lovely students loans I am not so fond of, am still in school, as single as a person can possibly be and unemployed.
I am not jumping for joy, but I am not mad. The reason? I try to trust God! I should maybe have written "try" in capitals. I really do try! I know there is a God. I have received too many answers to prayers and seen too many miracles in my life to be able to deny it. To quote a movie I absolutely love "there is no coincidence, only the illusion of coincidence." But sometimes when I don't see how God is blessing me, and all I see are trials it is hard to trust. And when I run out of trust, I sink, really really fast! It gets harder to pray, and read the scriptures with purpose, I don't feel inclined to read or listen to talks. It doesn't feel good. I have been doing that a lot lately, and so when I feel like I am drowning I finally kneel down despite not feeling like praying at all, and I tell God how I feel, and what I worry about, and I ask Him to forgive me for my lack of trust and to help me. After praying I push myself to read the scriptures and do the things I know will bring me peace.
I never have to wait for very long after praying to see an answer to my prayers, or feel comfort. But I am so imperfect! before I know it I fall down on my face again, forget to trust God, worry lots and lots, lose hope or get mad and then start the process again.
I know the difference between a life with and without God. When I trust God, read the scriptures, go to church and ask God to help me I feel peace, even though life doesn't look perfect to me, and things aren't the way I would have wanted them to be. I can look back on some of the hardest times in my life and see how I was blessed through it all! I know God has a plan for me, it gives me hope and makes me happy. But like I said, I am so far from being perfect, I often can't see further than my nose.
I don't know what will happen next, but I know I can feel much happier, more hopeful and peaceful if I trust God than if I get mad because I am a single 25 year old, living in my parents basement trying to survive on almost zero money!
For those of you still reading lets move on to other things. I'll tell you about my favorite moment today.... I have been having a crazy couple of days full of tasks, shopping, gigs, lack of sleep, lots of sun, wedding dress searching (for my friend) and more.... So in the early afternoon today, as I was walking home and looking forward to a much needed nap I decided to stop at the seashore. I walked all the way down to the ocean and looked at the sun reflecting off of the beautiful waves. I went a bit further from the water and sat down on the small rocks. I had some classical music -ish in my ears and the sun on my face. After a few minutes my body told me to lay down... so I did. The rocks just happened to be situated so that they felt comfortable to lay on. And then I fell asleep in the sunshine, on the rocks, with Claire de lune and the waves in my ears. The only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been having someone who loves to give me flowers take a nap next to me.
like my old roommate used to say... "someday...someday".... I look forward to someday :)
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