via we heart it
I write a lot in my blog that I don't really share with people in real life. I love being able to just sit down and write out my thoughts. Somehow I have a harder time sitting down and just saying them outloud. It scares me. Blogging about personal things just seems so much less personal.
The other day my friend asked me why I sometimes seem to only half way enjoy what I am doing in my life. I do love my life, but his question made me think.
I told him the truth. That is when I realized I have blogged about this before, but I have never told anyone about it face to face, not like that.
I told him the reason I don't know what my plans are, and the reason I don't fully enjoy my life is because I am living Plan B. Plan B was to get an education, work with women who have been sexually abused, date and have fun, sing and perhaps pursue a musical carreer. I tell people about these plans as if they are my Plan A, as if that is what I live for. But then I sit down by my computer and blog about my real Plan A and how much I wish I was living my Plan A.
Plan A is to be a wife to a noble man, and a mother to children I can love and teach and be there for. By getting an education I am working towards being a good example for my future children, encouraging them to follow the words of the Prophet and getting a good education. By helping others through my work I am preparing to teach my daughters and my sons to respect themselves and others, to love and care for people. I tell people I would love to sing on stage in front of others... many others... for a living. People think thats cool. What I don't tell people is that I would much much rather sing my children to sleep.
I am preparing to be a good wife, and I am preparing to be a good mother.
I don't tell people this because saying it outloud makes me feel desperate. Writing it for everyone to read on my blog makes me feel desperate too. I am scared of posting this because I wonder what people will think.
But this is me.
This is me being completely honest.
It does not mean I want to marry any guy that comes along, or that I want to marry just to have kids. I want to marry a good man, and I am picky. Not about his hight or the color of his hair, but about what kind of man he is. I don't want to raise children on my own. I want to be a good wife to a good man and have an eternal family. That is my plan A. That is what I am working towards.
My friend didn't think I sounded desperate.