Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The reoccurring dream

I am crying right now, because I feel really lost. It scares me to not have a plan. My plan ends in May and I have filled these next couple of months where I know where I will be and what I will be doing with so many exciting things. But at the end of May, my plan stops. I will have finished my bachelors education. My Gym membership will have run out. My dance class will be over. My best friend will be gone.
All I know is I want to be a wife to a good man, a noble man, and I want to be a mother.

I have this reoccurring dream where I am in a house, which seems small at first but then I discover all these rooms, and I can pick any one of them. But in these dreams I can never find my room. I just realized that the rooms usually have strange objects in them that make them undesirable. One had lockers, another had a toilet in the middle of the room, another had only old things. I can never find the one I want.
Maybe its because I don't know what I am looking for. I don't know what I want to have in my room.
I know I don't want lockers or a toilet.
I want a big window, with a seat by it and long flowing curtains, a white rocking chair and a big nice bed with white, clean, silky sheets. I want a nice book shelf full of good, educational, uplifting books. I want a big beautiful wardrobe and a nice rug on the floor. I want the walls to be a light, warm color and the ceiling to be high. I want there to be a vase of colorful wild flowers on a dresser.
Maybe if I know what I want in my room, I can finally find it in my dreams. Maybe if I know what I want in life, I can find it.
I want to be happy. I want people and things in my life that fill my life with happiness.
I want children to take care of, and to love and teach. I want a husband to love and respect, who will love and respect me, who will open the door and pay for me on dates, who will laugh at my stupid jokes and tell me I am beautiful often. Someone who I can safely love with all my heart.
I don't want to sound desperate. I know I may come across as desperate to some people. But when I see children with their mothers, my heart tells me, that is what I want. Like some people want their dream jobs, or to win at some sport or event, I want to be a mother and a wife. I think it would be the greatest blessing and a miracle. Its a good thing I believe in both blessings and miracles. It is also a good thing I am learning to be patient.
I trust God.
It would be nice to know what exactly He would have me do now though.
1 Nephi 9:6


Anonymous said...

you are very talented. I really enjoy your writing. Hang on there. Good things come to those who wait. Sometimes God helps us become ready through life experiences so when we finally get the blessing we know what to do with it. You seem like a good girl, maybe he is just preparing you to be really patient. I really don't know you, but thats how it is in my life sometimes. Have fun! enjoy life!

Hera said...

Not to worry too much sometimes it's enough to take one day at a time. We do not have to have all our life planned out. Sometimes surprises are good. We have our life span to do things in.
We go through life and then we look back on it in the future and we should be grateful for the blessings we have. Enjoy the good we have instead of thinking too much of what we do not have. Once I dreamed of having a big house with big rooms. Now I wonder if I ever thought of who was going to clean the big house hehe. Have a lovely week.