Monday, May 16, 2011
It feels sort of like I am waking up for the first time. I have been reading books on codependency and it is sort of interesting how they are all sort of about me. This one part I read this morning was about type A and type B codependent people. Type A knows what they look like, what they feel, and what they think, but they deny it. Type B has no Idea what they look like, what they feel or what they think. Type B is me. I haven't been able to see my face or body at all for years. I used to think I was big boned. I was just plain fat! When I looked in the mirror I couldn't tell what I looked like. I would see a skinny girl and think "yeah, I look like that" and then I would see an obese girl and think "I look like that". Then when I started losing weight I could not for the life of me see a difference! I seriously thought "who freaking made my jeans bigger!" which is a totally illogical thought, but it was real to me. It took me about a year to realize I was actually thinner! ... And my face, I couldn't see it and I couldn't understand how I could be so beautiful one day and so ugly the next. It was sort of the same with my emotions and opinions on subjects. I had no Idea what I looked like, what I felt like or what I thought about this and that.
Lately I have been able to see me. Its sort of funny how all of those things are connected. When I started realizing what I look like, I started realizing what I felt like and what my thoughts were on different subjects, but not necessarily in that order though. I am pretty sure I started by realizing who I am as a person. Once I was able to see who I am inside I could recognize my feelings and at the same time I realized what I look like. And then finally I was able to open my mouth. I told some people what I thought, and I felt stronger. I sometimes fall back into being type B. But thankfully being aware of that helps pull me back out. I can put a name to my feelings, I can recognize that I am who I am, I look the way I look and I have valid opinions I can share with people.
I am perfectly imperfect and I love it!