Saturday, June 4, 2011

And then came the calm after the storm... and the calm was welcomed and offered to stay

I am so hungry for something... but not food. I can't put my finger on what it is, and thats pretty annoying to me!
So I just keep eating and eating and it doesn't fill me up. I need to stop eating, because I know that its not food I need. I need to just be happy with the direction my life is heading in. Thing is I feel pretty happy, or at least content with life. I just wish there was more excitement, more pleasant surprises, more freshness! It seems pretty "same old, same old" these days. I am not in love with anyone, I am not interested in anyone, I am working, I am a student, I am content. But there has to be more!! Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and go to New York or someplace exciting... finish my education from there, through the internet. But at the same time I think I should just stick it out. I just have to get through the next 11 months and try to do exciting new things every once in a while. Today I went to a football match (that is soccer, for you American types) It was so much fun. That is what I am talking about... just little things like that... I need to have something to look forward to.
I love being me, and am truly thankful for getting to be me, and getting a break from all the drama. This is the first time in a LONG time I haven't been interested in anyone of the opposite sex (and to those who have been following my blog, I do believe I have successfully moved on :) YAY for FREEDOM! ) I feels very calm, very nice... but not excited... I guess what I am trying to say is I don't want to feel like I need to be interested in someone for life to be exciting and fun. I can have fun without someone else bringing fun into my life. I can be excited about every day life without it having to do with some guy/man.
Actually, I am getting pretty excited about not liking anyone for a while. I think that sounds amazingly good! Its a relief!
I mean,my days are getting consistently wonderful, take today for example. I slept in and felt good when I woke up, which didn't use to be the case, I had problems sleeping and would wake up feeling sad/worried/mad/heartbroken/other negative feelings. I took my time getting ready, picked my clothes based on what I wanted to wear and what was comfortable, looked super hot! and wasn't worried at all weather "he" thought/would think I looked sexy. then hung out with my sister, my nieces and my friend Kleio. The whole day went by and I never once wondered what "he" was doing or feelt upset because "he" didn't call me or text me. I enjoyed it thoroughly! I went to a football match and was totally happy to be there with my brothers and sis-in-law and not sad because "he" didn't come with us. "he" can do whatever he wants... it doesn't affect me anymore, and that feels so good!! I can't even express in words how good that feels.
I do miss the cuddles and I do miss kissing and all the good times... but I am not willing to give this up just yet. I want to get to relax and just be me for a while... and then hopefully the next guy I get interested in will like me for me. And I would love it if next time "he" would treat me like a lady, hold my hand in public, show my interests interest, want me to shine... like in Stardust... the movie... Its very hard for me to hide my feelings, and I don't want to have to hide my feelings or my relationships ever again! I just want to keep being happy :) and I really wouldn't have it any other way.


Miss Understood said...

I liked your blog :-) <3 and I like you also :-) <3

AshLee Smith said...

Too true. That is what I am trying to find in my life too. I think women everywhere need to realize that there are exciting and wonderful things out there in the world besides men, though I do admit men are nice, if they treat you right;)