Friday, June 10, 2011
Sometimes I think I bring a lot of pain into my own life... I am in the habit of seeing the worst, even when it is not there.
When driving I tend to see possible collisions in my head, how things could end badly. When walking down a steep flight of stairs I tend to see how I might fall and get seriously injured. When I am out walking at night I tend to watch for places someone might be hiding in and waiting to attack me. I think I get this from my parents. I think its my codependent need to control. If I can't foresee every possible outcome I can't control anything. Negative outcomes are just easier to control than happy ones.
When I meet a guy I could be interested in, I tend to see us breaking up before anything even starts to happen between us. And then I play this game with him in my mind, a game he doesn't know the rules to. So there is no possible way for him to win and there is no possible way for me to end up being happy. But at least, that way, I know I will get disappointed and heartbroken, so I am in control.
I did that again. Last night was good, everything was going great, then I accidentally went into crazy mode and started to analyze and see the worst. All of a sudden I started giving meaning to things I had no right to give meaning to. I accused someone of something and then found out I was totally and absolutely wrong! I think it was a good lesson for me. I came home feeling bad, like I had been hurt by someone else. Then I started thinking about it. I asked myself "what did he/she do to hurt me?".... the answer... nothing!! they did nothing wrong, and it was all in my head. I am glad it was all in my head and that I realized it. I also realize I sound absolutely nuts. But I also also think that if you realize you are nuts and you need to fix some things about yourself you are far better off then if you have no idea and just continue having your bad habits thinking they are totally normal.
-to be happy
-to be in an official relationship (some day, I am not in a hurry, it needs to be with the right guy!)
-be honest and open about my thoughts and feelings
-to be respected and to respect others
-to be happy (being happy is a must for me. I don't function well if I am unhappy... but thankfully it doesn't take much for me to be happy :) I have been laughing and smiling since the moment I was born!)