Saturday, July 2, 2011
Excuse me? I seem to have lost myself, you wouldn't happen to have seen me around somewhere?
I don't like this. I don't like feeling like I have to watch what I say, keep a check on everything I do and make sure it is pleasing to someone else. Where the heck did I leave myself this time around? I thought I was being so careful. I thought I was doing so well, just being myself. But then I went and lost myself again. I need to take some time. Yeah, I need to take time for myself... cuz heaven knows time doesn't just sit around waiting for you... you need to make sure to take it! take it and use it wisely.
I thought about chatting with some old friends and new friends to see if they think I am stupid or boring... or if it is all in my head. I decided against it. First of all, that would just be stupid. Second of all, what does it matter what they think. It matters what I think and what God thinks... and I truly believe God loves me.... so now I just need to remember what it is that I think.
I think today has just been super off too. It started out sort of... off. It was raining when I walked to the bus... and I kept thinking about weather I would be soaked through by the time I got into work. I was fine, but I think my mood got left in pessimistic mode. Things were sort of 50/50 from then on. I made a lovely dinner for everyone, but then made a mistake with someone's medicine, nothing too serious, but enough to make me think "ugh... suck! I hope my co-workers wont hate me for life for this one. Then I went to watch a movie with my friends. The communications were a bit off... I felt stupid and boring.
So when I got home, I gave my mom a big hug... or rather, she gave me a big hug. She seems to have a radar that tells her when I am not feeling 100% great :) Then I went into bed with my lap top and put on my song, the one I picked to be just mine, my song to myself, to remind me that I love and respect myself (the song is songbird, google it!). A moment later a good friend... no.. a great friend started a chat with me on facebook. She seems to me like an angel, always sending me uplifting messages and telling me how wonderful she thinks I am exactly when I need it :) I am thankful to God for friends like that!
Yesterday I asked "what do I want?"
Well, I want someone who will respect me. Someone I can trust with my feelings and my stupid/silly stories that usually have no climax and no twists of surprising endings. Someone who will listen and not judge me or get irritated with the topics I want to talk about, even if they don't particularly interest him. Someone who will inspire me to be better and to follow my dreams. Someone who wants me to be happy. Someone who wants to spend time with me. Someone who will touch me gently for no good reason, other than that I like to be touched. Someone who will not only tell me I look good/smell good/something good about my appearance, but will also think I am smart/funny/interesting. Someone who will pick me flowers in the summer time and cuddle with me when I feel tired or lazy.
I want someone who I can be me around, and someone I wont feel like a fool for doing all these things for too/in return.