I was ok when my sister left. Of course I missed her and was sad she was leaving. I think my brain just told me "it is temporary, she will be back in a year".
Now I think my brain was wrong. It told me lies to help me cope. But how do I cope when the lies fade away. When the reality becomes clearer.
Reading her thoughts makes me excited for her, but sad at the same time, because it tells my brain that the very real possibility is that she will not come back. Who would want to when the grass is really greener on the other side... even where there is no grass, just red sands and tumbleweeds.
I am happy here, in the moss and the wind and the rain. But I would not wish it upon anyone to stay where they do not feel alive and welcome. The moss and wind and rain may no longer feel welcoming and happy to her, but she always has a welcome happy place in my heart and in my life.
I often spend my time on Pinterest, looking at other peoples wonderful creations. It inspires me. It also reminds me of everything my sister and I accomplished together. Things that others took for granted, that brought us joy.
Why do people think it is ok to enjoy your creations one day and judge you the next.
Why is it alright for some people to talk about you, but never to you.
When did they decide we were somehow not worthy of anything more than a glance and a whisper, a whisper that was never directed at us, but uttered behind our backs.
We are just people. We are imperfect. We hurt. And we need friendship and love as much as anyone else.
I am afraid that now, with my filter broken (you know, the one that stops you from saying inappropriate things, or exactly what you think) I might finally tell them exactly what I think. I might just be the hormonal pregnant lady who is too huge to care what other people think.
Just like old people have somehow earned the right to be nutty and free, I think pregnant women have earned the right to say and do whatever they feel like, and fart in public, without being judged.