Really? I get paid for this?

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Remember how Friday was not the best day? Well, it turned out alright. I ended up having such a lovely time at work! There was this moment when I was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher after helping most of my angels get into bed. I turned the radio on and started dancing while putting the dishes away. Soon both girls were in the kitchen dancing with me. Moments like that make my life better.
When I came home I felt so centered, so happy. Life was not perfect. I was still alone. But not lonely, and I haven't been lonely since. I love my life. I am so thankful that I get to be me. I love being me and being able to experience the things I get to experience.
Saturday was much the same as Friday night. I was fixing lunch and singing to the radio, every once in a while I would turn around and perform parts of the songs for my angels sitting at the table waiting for their lunch. They were the best audience I ever had! in my life! They extended their arms smiling from ear to ear, stood up in excitement over this unusual event, and even came up to give me a hug every once in a while. I don't think performing at Gran Ole Opry would be as rewarding as that little kitchen performance.
That is what I want, for the rest of my life. I want to sing and dance and love people unconditionally....
ohh and I want to go to Paris with the love of my life... and Fiji.

I just want to be found...

Via we heart it

Some days are better than others. Today was not the best. But I am on my way to work and work usually makes everything better. I get to enjoy hugs and dance in the kitchen with my angels. They make my life a little brighter.

Here's to the future!! May it be bright and beautiful and full of pure and eternal love!!
Skál!!!

Dreaming is easy... making dreams come true... thats hard work!

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I am so irritated with life right now!! I want to get where I want to get and rules are making it difficult!!
I'm so pissed off and just needed a freaking outlet! Why the heck did I have to be born on this freaking rock!! I HATE IT!! I feel totally stuck and my head hurts from trying to find a way to get where I want to be... in the world and in life. ugh... sucks.
Sometimes I wish someone just found America like two years ago and I could take a ship over and move in... no rules and stuff to make it difficult for me to live and work there. Its just dumb, my friend got a green card or whatever because his dad was born in the states but didn't really live there growing up or anything... and it would take me 10 years to get a green card because I am in another category since my sister is a US citizen but not my parents. And then I try to explore other options and they all seem to just be made to confuse me... and it all costs about a billion!! Why is it made so easy for some people and not for others... I don't think I am any less special than my friend, or any less worthy of living in the US... I am a hard working, educated, single woman with standards and goals in life and I think America would be lucky to have me! So there... ugh... it just pisses me off to feel like I am trying so hard and just keep running into walls...
I will think about it again tomorrow... for now my head is done and my little feelings can't take it anymore.
If any of you are visa or immigration experts I would love you to contact me! I need all the help I can get. I really want this!

One of those days

So tonight I had a crazy moment. Like a real PMS type moment! ... actually, I have been having a LOT of those lately. But tonights episode was one of my favorite... ever!!

My brother was nice enough to pick me up from work and give me a ride home.
In the car on the way home:

My brother: "I even met a girl today!"
Me: "really!?! where!?!?"

this was good news!! especially after the horrific day I had had so far.

My brother: "at work"
Me: "seriously, thats so awesome!"
My brother: "yeah, her name is Lena!" (Lena= the name of his dream girl, seriously, she is a reappearing fictional character in his dreams that he jokes about being real).

Me: [staring at him in disbelief, still hoping its true... about the name]  "....seriously"
My brother: [laughing] "no, I am just joking"
Me: "about the name ... or the girl?"
My brother: "about the name... and the girl"
Me: "seriously... you didn't even meet a girl?!?!"
My brother: "no"
Me: "that makes me want to cry" [at which point I actually started crying!]

My brother kept laughing, not realizing I was crying. Then finally he was like "sorry, will you talk to me again?" because I hadn't said anything in a while.

Me: "I can't.... I am crying!!!!"

At which point he starting laughing even harder!! and all the while I just kept crying ... and then laughing... and then crying....

It was just one of those days!!
I think its ok to cry over nothing on days when:

-Your Yoga instructor is a nazi at 6am
-You find out it would take you 10 years to get the green card when you thought it would take a year
-Your best friend moved to a different country
-It's that time of the month
-You have to work when you are not feeling good to begin with
-You finally find a macaroon at the bakery, and it tastes nothing like a macaroon should

all of those things happened today... I am allowed to cry!!

Goodbyes and new beginnings

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I take it back. Plans are.... can be... good. I watched Grey's Anatomy later that day, and the theme was "plans". Coincidence? I think not. Also, todays Once Upon a Time theme was Beauty and the Beast. It's like God is trying to talk to me through TV shows... maybe I should spend more time reading the scriptures or something so that God doesn't have to use TV and Movies to answer my prayers... it just feels a bit too far away from where I want to be spiritually.

Remember how I said I was throwing out my plans for the rest of the day last time I posted, but I was going to have fun! well I did. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life. I am not going to explain that any further. I felt safe, loved and wanted, and that is all that matters.

I don't know what happens next. It's very uncomfortable. I said goodbye and that hurts. It hurts so much!
So I got some chocolate and got out of bed even though I didn't want to.
I bought myself something nice and plan on wearing it tonight when I leave the house against my will according to my better judgement and for my own good.

I should have told him.
But now it's done.             It's finally done.
I don't have to wonder anymore, I don't have to wait anymore, I don't have to give in again and again anymore, I don't have to hurt, I don't have to do anything.
I will cry a little bit, and miss the good things.
But then I will be fine. There will be space and I will find what I have been looking for all along. We will all be fine. More than fine, we will be wonderful and blessed.

Screw you Mr. Plans

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I am a planer. I make plans because I like knowing how things are going to work out, what is going to happen next. It gives me security. Sometimes I just forget that other people make plans too, and sometimes those plans just don't fit with my plans... and sometimes other people don't make plans and they still don't fit into my plan the way I wanted. So how about I change the way I plan.
Today, I am trowing out my previous plan, which involved meeting up with friends, then coming home to eat dinner with my family and some guests. Then planing on having a friend over and watching some DVDs with him, my plans also included a spontaneous fashion show and some dancing. Don't tell anyone about that part of my plan because as perviously mentioned, it was supposed to be spontaneous, and is now no longer part of my plan anyways.
That plan has been thrown out the window. It was good for something though. Because I actually cleaned my room. So now I get to enjoy some quality time with myself in my clean room.
My new plan sounds like this.
Take a nap. Wake up happy. I can control that part of my plan because it depends entirely on me. When I wake up I am going to eat with my family. I know for a fact that there will be food because I have already seen it: fish out of the freezer, salad ready for chopping. And even if that falls through, I will still eat.
After dinner with family and a couple of friends, I plan on having fun. I don't know how, where or with whom, but I will have fun. I can control that because I enjoy my own company and I can choose wether to accept someone else's company. So I get to choose to hang out with people who's company I enjoy. So whatever happens, there will be some fun times. That's what I want.

You know what!! I actually hate plans!! I hate living in a world that doesn't exist... having conversations in my head with people I plan on being in my life and then realizing, its never going to be reality and now you've just wasted a whole lot of time and brain space. Goals I can do. Plans suck!!

I am a Fairy Tale

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When I was little, people used to call me Snow White. Look at pictures of me back then and you'll know why. Pale skin, red cheeks, long black hair and a big smile, that was me. That is me, except for the long black hair.

Today I was driving to school with my dad and he was telling me about his newest invention. He likes to make things and invent things. He is so smart! But sometimes his ideas just sound sort of crazy scientist like, but they work.

He is amazing.

Anyways, it got me thinking. Maybe I am not Snow White at all!

I think right now I am Belle, in Beauty and the Beast. My dad is an inventor, my dating life is full of duds, my mom is too awesome to even be mentioned (words don't do her justice!) and I love a beast whose time is running out. The last petal falls on the 17th. And I know how it ends. He leaves, still a beast, and I will go on living.

I really do love him, but I am not in love with him. He is a beast. And he could so easily be a prince, but he is not there yet, not for me at least...

I am going to miss him so much.

I wonder if Belle would still have loved the beast if he would not have transformed into a Prince.

Midnight mindramblings

things on my mind right now:

I can hear my heartbeat. It makes me think of the first snow of winter, so fresh, exciting and full of life.

My hand is falling asleep... I hate it when my hands or my legs fall asleep. My brother was complaining about his hands falling asleep all night and now that he has gone to bed my hand starts falling asleep. ugh.

Grey's... I love Grey's

I need to finish that sweater... yeah

Why can't I just turn this lap top off and go to sleep! I need to sleep!! really really need to sleep!

I am so sick of thinking about it. It's pretty much over. It was over before it began anyways, so it doesn't really matter how it ended.

I need to go to bed!!

my hand... I can't feel my hand... dang it.