Changes

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Change is good. Change is part of life... I don't do well with changes. I have memories I love, and changes are taking those memories away. I want to hold on to them. But something tells me when I hold on to those memories I am holding myself back. I am stopping myself for moving on, moving forward.

I wish I could just go back one last time. Just one more time, to say goodbye and be alright, to breathe in the air and the feeling and the surroundings. I miss them. I miss them all.

It is breaking my heart. But I need to let go and stop looking at the past as if it is my future. It is not my future. They are just memories. Memories I love. Now I need to go make new ones. Better ones. But it still breaks my heart.

Broadway dreams

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I am not an actress. I don't act. I can't keep a straight face. I couldn't lie to save my life.

I applied to the acting program of the icelandic film academy.

That sort of makes me laugh. Isn't life wonderful! My application is in and I just received an email telling me that my audition will be on Feb 14th at 16:00. In the email was a link to two monologues I can pick from. I was also informed that I will be expected to sing a song, or perform something else, something I can choose myself. Good luck me.

I am super excited about it even though I don't really expect to make it into the program. It just makes me feel alive, doing something new and totally different.

Also, I wouldn't mind falling in love tomorrow.

But for now, its the night shift... suck a mud cake!!

Plan A and Plan B

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I write a lot in my blog that I don't really share with people in real life. I love being able to just sit down and write out my thoughts. Somehow I have a harder time sitting down and just saying them outloud. It scares me. Blogging about personal things just seems so much less personal.

The other day my friend asked me why I sometimes seem to only half way enjoy what I am doing in my life. I do love my life, but his question made me think.

I told him the truth. That is when I realized I have blogged about this before, but I have never told anyone about it face to face, not like that.

I told him the reason I don't know what my plans are, and the reason I don't fully enjoy my life is because I am living Plan B. Plan B was to get an education, work with women who have been sexually abused, date and have fun, sing and perhaps pursue a musical carreer. I tell people about these plans as if they are my Plan A, as if that is what I live for. But then I sit down by my computer and blog about my real Plan A and how much I wish I was living my Plan A.

Plan A is to be a wife to a noble man, and a mother to children I can love and teach and be there for. By getting an education I am working towards being a good example for my future children, encouraging them to follow the words of the Prophet and getting a good education. By helping others through my work I am preparing to teach my daughters and my sons to respect themselves and others, to love and care for people. I tell people I would love to sing on stage in front of others... many others... for a living. People think thats cool. What I don't tell people is that I would much much rather sing my children to sleep.

I am preparing to be a good wife, and I am preparing to be a good mother.
I don't tell people this because saying it outloud makes me feel desperate. Writing it for everyone to read on my blog makes me feel desperate too. I am scared of posting this because I wonder what people will think.

But this is me.
This is me being completely honest.

It does not mean I want to marry any guy that comes along, or that I want to marry just to have kids. I want to marry a good man, and I am picky. Not about his hight or the color of his hair, but about what kind of man he is. I don't want to raise children on my own. I want to be a good wife to a good man and have an eternal family. That is my plan A. That is what I am working towards.

My friend didn't think I sounded desperate.

Too many thoughts, Part II

Screw vacuuming the floor. I am watching Grey's Anatomy!

Too many thoughts

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I am having too many thoughts. Time to spill and get grounded.

Sometimes enough sleep just isn't enough.

When I was younger I would tell myself things will seem better in the morning. Some days I wake up and don't feel better. On days like that I wonder if I would feel better if I just slept a little bit more and gave this waking up business another go in about an hour or so. Maybe by then things will seem better.

Today is not one of those days. Today I woke up and did Hot Yoga at 6am. Then I went back to bed feeling like my muscles just needed a little bit of rest since I am already sore from yesterdays workout and need to work later on today and be full of energy tonight. It's girls night. Thank heavens for good friends and sushi. Thank heavens for hot yoga and meditation.

I want to be a better person. I already know some things that should change the way I do things, the way I live my life, but I am not changing. Maybe in hopes that my knowledge will change before my behavior does. Maybe in hopes that I am wrong.

I am not wrong... well, I am frequently wrong... but this time I am not wrong.

No more Facebook for the rest of the week. I will see how I feel on Sunday.

The other day I was talking to my friend. I asked her if she ever had days where she had absolutely no plans, nothing specific to do. She said yes. Then I asked her if she hated those days. I had one of those days coming up and I hate those days... or... I hated those days. She said no. I was astounded! Then she said something wonderful. She said; those days give me time to just be with me and I'm like "ahh we meet again".

My day off from plans was exactly that. A much needed break from others. A chance to be with me and feel that comfort that meeting myself again brings.

I love me. I love the chance to be me. I love how I can change and grow and still love myself.

Why do I need to be reminded that I love myself. Why don't I just know it all the time, and be fine with no plans.

I am going to go vacuum my floor.

It's supposed to be therapeutic, cleaning your space and all.

The comfort of knowing

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I love that feeling that I sometimes get. Usually when I wonder what the future holds; How much heartache will I have? How many trials will I face? This feeling washes over me and calms every part of my body and soul. It tells me "you will be alright". And I know it, I know it so much. I have been through all sorts of pain. I will be more than fine, I will be happy. So I have no fear. No fear of losing anything or anyone, because I know my father in heaven has a great plan for me. My family is forever. I have no fear.

There will be sorrow, and pain, and heartache and sometimes it might start to seem like too much, but things will always turn out well. I will be more than fine. I will be happy, joyful, grateful, peaceful, full of charity and love and patience... maybe not patience, but I will have plenty of those other things.

Thats all I wanted to say.

The reoccurring dream

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I am crying right now, because I feel really lost. It scares me to not have a plan. My plan ends in May and I have filled these next couple of months where I know where I will be and what I will be doing with so many exciting things. But at the end of May, my plan stops. I will have finished my bachelors education. My Gym membership will have run out. My dance class will be over. My best friend will be gone.

All I know is I want to be a wife to a good man, a noble man, and I want to be a mother.

I have this reoccurring dream where I am in a house, which seems small at first but then I discover all these rooms, and I can pick any one of them. But in these dreams I can never find my room. I just realized that the rooms usually have strange objects in them that make them undesirable. One had lockers, another had a toilet in the middle of the room, another had only old things. I can never find the one I want.

Maybe its because I don't know what I am looking for. I don't know what I want to have in my room.

I know I don't want lockers or a toilet.

I want a big window, with a seat by it and long flowing curtains, a white rocking chair and a big nice bed with white, clean, silky sheets. I want a nice book shelf full of good, educational, uplifting books. I want a big beautiful wardrobe and a nice rug on the floor. I want the walls to be a light, warm color and the ceiling to be high. I want there to be a vase of colorful wild flowers on a dresser.

Maybe if I know what I want in my room, I can finally find it in my dreams. Maybe if I know what I want in life, I can find it.

I want to be happy. I want people and things in my life that fill my life with happiness.

I want children to take care of, and to love and teach. I want a husband to love and respect, who will love and respect me, who will open the door and pay for me on dates, who will laugh at my stupid jokes and tell me I am beautiful often. Someone who I can safely love with all my heart.

I don't want to sound desperate. I know I may come across as desperate to some people. But when I see children with their mothers, my heart tells me, that is what I want. Like some people want their dream jobs, or to win at some sport or event, I want to be a mother and a wife. I think it would be the greatest blessing and a miracle. Its a good thing I believe in both blessings and miracles. It is also a good thing I am learning to be patient.

I trust God.

It would be nice to know what exactly He would have me do now though.

1 Nephi 9:6

From the center of my heart

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Take yourself lightly!

Dear Unnur

I love you, you know that right. You make mistakes, and I know that, I love you anyways.

Just keep trying, keep doing your best. Don't ignore regret, learn from it. Don't ignore. Listen, and follow. Do what is best for you. Remember to be true to yourself. I say that because I know how much you love your God, and the Savior Jesus Christ, and being true to yourself means being true to your faith. That's all you need. You do not need to hear the words "I love you" from someone else to know your worth. Its nice to hear those words, its a bonus when it happens. But you are already loved. There is so much love within you. You know who you are, and what you want to become. So stay strong. You are loved :) You are loved.

Remember that sand slips through your fingers when you try to hold on to it tight, but if you let it rest in your open palms it stays.

Good things come to those who wait.

God's delays are not God's denials.

Let go of selfishness.

Don't cheat yourself.

Be giving and full of charity. Be loving and full of confidence. You know your worth, now live like you know it!

Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

It's alright.

You are safe.

Have a wonderful life, because I wish it for you!

From my heart

Its not you, its me

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I am having a love/hate relationship with my blog these days. I don't want to blog about personal things anymore, but sometimes I feel the need to. And then sometimes I want to blog about things I really don't want anyone to know about but just need to get out of my system and I know people I know actually read this. That sort of stops the flow of honesty dead in its track.

That's right, all of you reading this who know me personally, you are making this difficult!

But I still love you, and I would rather have all of you lovely family and friends in my life than a blog.

I guess what I need to do is find a happy medium, a way to express myself without letting myself down by hurting others, without saying things that don't belong on the internet for everyone to read and without getting too personal or weird... you see what I mean... this is impossible.

I don't want to have regrets this year.

I want to live life to the fullest and love it! But only so long as I do my best to show my heavenly father I love Him.

This is my goal this year, to do my best to do Gods will and follow His commandments