progress...

Turns out being happy can also result in lots of blog posts... Last night was totally awesome and awkward!
The short version of the story goes something like this: I was in charge of the FHE lesson for the young single adults, so as I am passing out hymn books two guys from a foreign country were talking in their language which I do not speak, and when I turn around I see they are both looking at me so I spontaneously say "stop talking about me" not really thinking they were talking about me for real. However, the two of them go red as a tomato in the face and surprised say "how did you know we were talking about you?!?" which then got me all awkward! So I just laughed and went on with family home evening... After FHE one of the guys came over and told me they were "just talking about how beautiful you are, and wondering if you have a boyfriend, because I want to...." and the rest of it I didn't understand. It made me laugh....

I have a group of friends whose lives seem to be perfect. They have the husband, the kids, the house, the car, the callings, the jobs, the life I wish I had. It has been difficult lately feeling happy for those friends. I haven't read their blogs for forever because I couldn't handle it. It felt like going to a friends house after Christmas when they got all the presents I wanted and all I got were PJs and a book.
Today I read a blog written by one of those friends... and for the first time in a long time I was so happy for them, that they have all those wonderful blessings. But at the same time I was happy to return to my PJs and book after reading the blog. See, my book is awesome! and I love PJs! I can't wait to have the family, the house, the car and the whole deal, but I am thankful for what I have too. How could I not be! I am so thankful!! hahah and I can't even explain why... I can't say "I am so thankful for my life because it is honestly so much better than my friends lives" I don't believe thats true... I am not comparing anymore. I am just thankful!! its not complicated, its just true.

For some reason I can't forget a dream I had about this friend whose blog I was reading. I had the dream a long long time ago. I was standing in a tall tall building in a beautiful room. The room was all I ever wanted. As I was looking at the room a man walked up to me and told me all this belonged to my friend, then he pointed me to the window and showed me the view outside, and said all of that belonged to my friend too. As I looked at the view I noticed the building was growing taller and the view was getting even more beautiful, and I started getting jealous because all this, the room and the world belonged to my friend. Then the man told me "don't worry, you are next".
Many of my friends have gotten married and started families and bought houses and cars since I had that dream. Many of my friends are starting relationships right now, relationships with wonderful men. I wish I had that. Maybe I wasn't next. But I am still living and loving life.
I may not always remember, but I can be patient. I am happy for my friends, for their blessings and their happiness. I am also happy for my blessings. I am very thankful :)

welcome...

I have learned from what has happened. Now I am ready to erase the past and welcome normality back! lengi lifi hversdagsleiki og jafnaðargeð!!
So please forget all my ranting on here and what you may or may not have heard from me or someone else. The ranting is over. I am fine. I just want "normal" back!!

I will not be crying in public anymore, so please stop looking at me like I am some sort of a victim... and if I am mad, it has nothing to do with anything you think it has everything to do with! ...So please stop assuming.


In the future you may expect fewer posts because that is what happens when things are fine!
and I am so ready to be just fine!!

The End

p.s. this post is the result of a conversation with my parents after which I felt as though I am no longer the only one trying to fix my own life... and I don't like it.
so here is my message to the whole world... I will be fine SO STOP TRYING TO FIX ME!!!
And just because I tell you how I am feeling, or you notice I am not happy, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Just listen, give me a hug and then stop meddling, cuz honestly, it just makes things worse!
My problems are not your problems, I have smiled before and I will smile again. Just try to be patient with me, please.
All I want is for people to just treat me like they used to 6 months ago. please?

He's in another place...

I had a lovely day. I didn't really expect that. The only down part was when I watched Burlesque... you know... the movie, and Ali and whatshisface are finally getting together I felt partially really really sad. Usually when it gets to that part in chick flicks I tend to be all "oooo so cute!" and all smiles and hopefulness for future romantic moments. But this time I was missing the past as well as looking forward to the future. The mixture of emotions resulted in tears.



The mind is a wonderful thing. It can be so changeable. Sometimes I can control it and sometimes I can't. I could for most of the day, and then suddenly I couldn't anymore, so I prayed, and God answered my prayers. Sometimes when my mind goes wild and I can't seem to control my feelings, and consequently my mood, it helps to just clear my mind. I usually imagine myself in a white space, sweeping the floor, but there is no dust on the floor, its completely clean. I just sweep it, and if any thoughts get in the way I sweep them out. So I thought it was sort of funny when I found this photo on the internet. Its like looking into my own mind when I am clearing my thoughts.

All the small things...

I went to bed really really late last night.... my little brother just got a PS3 and COD (I assume everyone knows what a PS3 is but if you don't know what COD is, and no its not a type of fish, then I suggest you google it, then go out and buy it!) so I was playing COD until way late... and now I can't get myself out of bed!
I am going to have a great day!

-group project
-visiting teaching
-COD with my other brother
-calling stuff for my YSA calling
-study
-smile for lots of really good reasons

I promised

So I said I would keep you updated on the whole music thing... I got started on a few songs. But this one just sort of came out of nowhere and was exactly what I needed to hear I think :D

here it is....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41RX8k2731E

also, today I yelled at him.... I feel more like myself already! ... and I don't care if he doesn't like it...

as long as there is life... there is hope

I realized today that happiness is my decision.
I also realized both sadness and happiness can exist at the same time in one heart. But a face can carry a smile no matter what goes on in the heart.


The only reason I was able to stop crying and fall asleep last night was because I prayed to God. I asked him to take away my pain at least for the night, to give me comfort and peace.....
I felt the comfort and the peace as I fell asleep, and my dreams were calm and nice.

Then today, today was a gift.
I woke up and the first thing I did was cry.
And once again I knelt by my bed and prayed to God. I asked him to give me peace, to help me through my pain, to help me see his hand in my life, his blessings all around me, to smile, to laugh, to feel happiness, to feel hopeful.
I tried to be positive, but by the time I got to the bus station in the dark and cold I felt like I was losing the fight and thought to myself "what is the point". I seriously considered going home and getting back into bed while the tears were making their way down my cheeks. Just then someone threw their little arms around me and called out "UNNUR" and I recognized my nieces voice. She hugged me and told me her class was going to an art museum. We got on the same bus, and she held my hand the whole way. She was angel number one.

Todays class was not in our usual class room. We went to an old folks home. I sat there listening to the lady explaining how important human connections are, physical contact, friendship and hope. It is very important that the elderly have these things in their lives. They need the same things I need. I looked around me at the people with white hair and so much knowledge, so much love in their eyes and smiles. I was surrounded by angels.

I got a ride with a girl in my class who I barely know. She laughs at the same things I laugh at. And we talked for a long time. She had hope to share. She was one of my angels today too.

I walked to the bus and on my way a girl I have never seen before smiled at me. I felt loved. She was also and angel.

I decided happiness was my choice. I can choose to ignore all these little blessings God has given me freely, and focus on the pain of lost love. Or... I can feel all the love I have been given, and all the love I have to give. I can give it freely and be uplifted by giving as well as receiving.
So I sent him a text. I told him I miss hearing from him, and I miss hanging out with him.

He didn't reply and for a short moment I felt pain again... but then I remembered, I had meant what I said. I miss him, I miss hearing from him, I miss hanging out with him. I am not ashamed of saying it, and I wouldn't take it back. It was sent with love from a friend to a friend. So what if he doesn't reply. I still felt love for him when I sent it, and there is nothing to stop me from continuing with that feeling of love, not specifically towards him, but just in general, to feel love. Nothing can stop me from feeling happiness and love and hope except my own poisonous thoughts.

Then at the bus stop my bum was warm because I was wearing black jeans, and the sun was out. With ice and snow on the ground, a warm bum made me smile.

At the grocery store there was a long line at the register, but I didn't really care. I was happy to be alive and be able to stand in line, to buy food, to smile at the others in line. This lady walked up, I let her step in front of me. She smiled, I smiled and life was really good. Why is it people let moments like that pass them by as if they mean nothing. A moment later another register opened and a man asked me if I would like to go first. I smiled and he smiled... and life was really good.

I could keep going with this... but I think you get the point.
I am not saying I will not cry again. I am not perfect. But today was gift and I am thankful!

So tonight I will pray to God. I will thank him for angels, for smiles, laughs, ice cream and brownies, my friends silly face, the opportunity to give love and feel like I am the one who gained from giving. I will thank God for everything.

Without pain, I would not have realized all these things. I would have had no reason to.

This can be a beginning.... its up to me.
I am choosing happiness.

I want it to end well...

I don't see how a day that starts in tears can end well.... I want it to end well, I want to be happy again.
Please pray for me today...

things I do to feel good...

I can't count on others to make me happy. Happiness isn't something you get from other. Others can bring it out, but if you don't already have happiness within yourself others can't make you happy! does that make any sense at all?
Anyways, I have been trying to just be me, and be happy... for no good reason.
Some things I do to help me find happiness within myself, without trying to suck it from other peoples lives, are things like:

-dancing in my room
-meditating
-praying
-reading scriptures and good books
-singing
-writing
-combining the previous two things by writing and making music
-painting
-drawing
-exercising
-hiking
-riding a bike, especially when I am wearing a skirt or dress
-swimming
-walking by the ocean, rivers and streams (water is very calming to me, but not so much when it just sits there... like lakes and ponds... pointless!)


I am going to try to write more music, like Linda pointed out, I've got plenty of things to write and sing about. I'll keep you posted.

I'll be fine baby just like you....

So, after a week of hellish pain and emotional turmoil I woke up Friday morning, and started my day by reading the scriptures, praying, exercising and meditating for about 30-60 minutes. After my morning routine I stood there in my lovely room and realized there was no flow of energy... my room felt as small as a closet (it is quite big though!). So I told myself I would just move my bed. However, by the end of the day my bed was about the only thing I hadn't moved. Everything else on the other hand had been moved!!



My bed covered in clothes and stuff



This is my junk pile, which I threw out promptly! I had two other piles about the same size. A pile of stuff thats not rightfully mine and needs to be returned, and a pile of stuff to give away. Also, I packed a few boxes of stuff to put in the storage room.






Now everything has a place and my room is lovely! There is space and air and order... just the way I like it!
After doing this I felt stronger, and more grounded. I didn't cry for four whole days!

Today however, I forgot my morning prayer, did not meditate, ate a couple of doughnuts instead of exercising, packed my school bad way too heavy and walked all over town with it on my back for no reason. A few things went right... but most things just went wrong. And then I came home, to my big lovely safe room.... and felt all alone.



p.s. I still listen to country music every day and wish I had a stage, a mic and a good band up there with me.

I am allowed...

I have a right to feel, and to express myself. I have a right to have my needs met!
... I just got so cought up in the thought of having my needs met that I forgot what I was going to blog about... I guess I had never really thought about what it would be like if I had my needs met instead of always trying to meet other peoples needs, even when they don't ask me to do so. It's called codependence. It's not going to be my problem much longer. I am also going to be better at making decisions and sticking to my decision. I have rights, and I am exercising my rights to exist!

Thank God for Country music! especially Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley and Keith Urban. There are so many good, uplifting country songs. Songs that help me think about other things, and be excited for the future. If I could do anything I wanted to right now, I would go to the USA and become a country singer.

I am ready to feel healthy and happy, I am ready to let my anger and frustration go, move on, and be happy. I want to fall in love.... that shouldn't be too difficult should it?

I was going to...

but I didn't...

I wanted to vent, and let it all out. I wrote the blog, I posted it, then I deleted it.

Sorry Miriam, if you want I can send it to you via email. I just decided I don't really want the whole world to know how disfunctional I feel at the moment. Thing is I will soon feel better, and then I will regret having ever put my shiz on display for everyone.
It wouldn't be fair to the people involved either. Just because I am feeling bad because of someone else, doesn't mean that person knows they did anything to hurt me... and perhaps I should let them know before I tell the whole world. It's the nice thing to do.

I am trying to follow elder Wirthlins advice. Just laugh. Laugh and pray and trust in God. As long as the future is bright, even if its only in my mind, things are bound to end well. I don't mind being ignorant if it means I can be happy, if I can wake up and smile for no good reason. I take that option.

I want....

.... to run away!