Long time, no sleep...

Its been forever! I feel like I have been totally neglecting my blog. What happened was I got super busy with work, and then my family all went on vacation so I was home alone... which I don't like. So I have spent most my time away from home and having way too much fun with friends and family (the bit thats not on vacation). So much has happened.
A short list:

-went to the swimming pool with my nieces and actually swam
-had a total meltdown at work (tears and hopelessness) but then decided things will be ok and they were ok and I was fine (old man B didn't want to eat his breakfast, so his medication pills turned into mush and he wouldn't take his pills, I tried everything. and then I was late getting him ready for physical therapy and his driver was already there when I started trying to put his shoes on his feet, but he wouldn't have it and so it was almost impossible to get his shoes on... the end)
-had really good meetings
-helped my brother get ready for a YSA convention. went shopping with him and helped him pick out cool clothes!
-cut the hair of ALL THE BOYS!! turns out I am quite good.... and by "all the boys" I mean, my nephew and both my brothers. Mom is next.
-ate too much food and feel totally fat. Need to change the way I think about my body. I am not fat, and I should eat healthy.
-walked to work and found a pretty snazzy sweater (yes, I take clothes and stuff I find lying around on the street)
-got hit on by an older gentleman at a café. He was well nice though, and told the best stories. It was seriously too bad he wasn't a bit younger and I wasn't a bit older.
-went to some areas of downtown Reykjavík which I haven't been to much lately. It was so lovely and I took bunches of pictures I will put up with this post. My friend Hilmar actually took a lot of the pictures. It was fun.
-I stayed over at a friends house for a couple of nights.
-fell in love with a kitten, but refused to take it home since I am have decided not to get a cat while I am still single. I will not become a cat lady.
-Went to see Captain America, it was really good for a fluff movie. I quite enjoyed it... but I enjoyed the company of the people who saw it with me more so than the movie itself.
-Jumped on a trampoline and actually did some tricks... I was dared by a 6 year old... so I had to! It was not as hard as I thought it would be... but then at one point I totally face planted the trampoline and was thankful that I didn't mess up my face.
-found a really cool playground... I love playgrounds.
The end








also, I keep having dreams where he is avoiding me or leaving without saying goodbye... I hate it... I would rather not dream at all!

Night shifts and a bit of gossip

Another night shift, which means another night of back to back Gossip Girl and I think I figured out why I love that show so much these days. I don't think I would have watched it 6 weeks ago... because 6 weeks ago, my life was a middle class version of an episode of Gossip Girl... in fact, the last 8 months or so have been pretty much like an episode of Gossip Girl. So much drama and endless "he loves me, he loves me not". Now that its over I am glad to have a fairly normal, non drama life. But I worry that I may be a bit of an excitement junky, if there is nothing too exciting going on in my life I turn to movies and TV shows.
I feel like right now, the show is still going on, but I am one of the characters who's story line is taking a short break. Something is about to happen, and I don't know what or when, but I am just taking a breather and thoroughly enjoying it.

I should probably sleep some now, since I have been up all night. It just started raining and the sound of the drops hitting the roof are making me sleepier than I usually am after a night shift. So calming.
I love life.

A day to remember..

I had the most wonderful day.

Let me tell you about it.

At 7pm this morning I woke up and got ready for work. I usually wear non-cool clothes to work, but since the sun was shining and my mood was fantastic I decided to wear a dress for a change. At work I managed to burn the porridge and had to scrub the bottom of pan for the longest time to get the burnt oatmeal off. It didn't make me upset or annoyed though. Old man B didn't like my cooking and kept wiping his tongue off with his hand after each spoon full. I am not surprised though, it looked like cement and probably tasted worse. So I gave him a bottle of Froosh (fruit drink) instead. He liked that well enough.
As the day went by we enjoyed smiles while dancing and singing in the kitchen, reading a book in the back yard in the sunshine, taking a fake nap in the living room and changing diapers in the restroom. Well, we didn't smile very much during the changing diapers part. But the rest of the day was pretty much full of smiles.
I took E out for a walk in the afternoon. We walked for a while until we got to this playground in the neighborhood. E and I share a love for swings, so we sat on the swings for the longest time talking about the people in the cars driving by, and about our moms, and dogs leaving their business all about. I was so into our little one sided conversation... one sided because she can't speak much, she listens though, and laughs, and says one or two words when she gets really excited about the conversation, which is really cute!... anyways, I was so into our conversation that I didn't notice the guy fixing something on the house right behind us. He probably heard most of our seemingly pointless, nonsense, one sided conversation, which makes me feel a bit embarrassed now that I think about it, but I didn't notice him until E and I decided to head back home (E's home, where I work).
I was getting out of the swing when my dress got stuck and I almost ripped it before I noticed it was completely wedged between the chain and the rubber seat of the swing. How it got that stuck is beyond me. I guess it was fate working its little magic. I told E to wait for me cuz I had to get my dress un-stuck, but she kept walking away so I started calling her, and telling her not to go anywhere. It was sort of like a scene from a movie cuz right then, in the midst of my calling out for E to wait and not run into the street this guy calls out "uhumm... can I help you? are you stuck?"
I don't blush often, but I dare say I did at that moment. I told him it was ok, I just needed to get my dress lose and make sure E didn't run off. He went over to E, introduced himself like a true gentleman and offered to walk her back to me. He then asked if he could give getting my dress un-stuck a go. It was one of those once in a lifetime moments, where you can't really challenge fate because no matter how cheesy your situation is, its one you have wanted to experience since Jane Austen started writing novels. So I just let go of the dress and the swing and gave him the opportunity to save my life... well, my dress' life, which he promptly did, and without even so much as a split seam.
I asked him if he ever considered giving up "home improvements" for a life of "damsel in distress saving". He said he really hadn't thought about it, but figured since this first attempt had gone so well, he might. After a short but sweet conversation he came to the conclusion that he should just go back to home improvements (on his grandparents house by the way, what a freakin stud! spending a wednesday afternoon fixing up his grandparents place). He did ask for my number though, after asking if I was free this Friday night.
I was happy to say that I don't have an evening shift this Friday, which is very rare, I seem to be scheduled to work a lot on Friday nights. I guess miracles do happen every day! And this one was quite pleasant.


And just so you know, I made about 65% of that story up... its a nice thought though... a day like that happening in a life like mine.... I guess it could still happen, slightly different maybe, but still...

Trust?

Sometimes I wonder if its me or these guys that are all wrong. I have spent too much time and heart power on a rock star who repeatedly breaks my heart. And yet, every time he pulls me in again I decide I have somehow become a slightly different person since last time and am better equipped to make it work, to encourage him to be a better persona and treat me well.... and things may change to the better in some ways with time, but I still end up alone and with my heart broken. I am realizing continuing with this is not worth a cup of tea or any more of my time or effort.
At work, during night shift, I have been watching Gossip Girl and I find myself getting more and more attracted to Chuck Bass... I worry that I may have dangerously-attracted-to-the-bad-boy syndrome, hopefully not at an advanced stage. What is it about bad boys anyways? I don't think most of the "bad boys" I know would confess to being bad boys. They have goodness in them, some of them even have a lot of it, and I think that is what attracts me to them. That they are just misunderstood or have a hard time showing their emotions or whatever. And for some reason I think I might be the girl to change that.

I can only change myself, and I don't like the changes I make to myself to try to make things work with these guys.

.... I am thankful for men.

I was going to end the post there, but then I saw a photo of the word "trust" and I thought "maybe thats the secret ingredient". I could never trust the rock star. I have never really trusted guys. I am not ever sure I completely trust myself. I need to at least trust myself. Sometimes I even forget to trust God. How impossible is that!
So the plan is this.... Remember to always trust God (which is easy to do when I remember He is there, always has been, always will be). Trust myself, and live up to that trust (don't do anything against my better judgement or my conscience) and learn to trust others and choose to surround myself with people I know I can trust.

Change is going to come... just not today

Today I am thankful for tissue paper, for Beyoncés new song, for my mom, for time passing, for knowing that God loves me and has a plan for me and for knowing that me being happy is part of that plan.

But it still hurts. I wish it didn't hurt.

I have the night shift tomorrow night and to be honest I am worried because I will have three hours of being busy and 6 hours of quiet time... just me and my thoughts... and my thoughts tend to not make me laugh a lot in the middle of the night lately.
For tonight, however, I can sleep it off.

Good night.

Stuck on letting go

Its been a week now, and it still hurts. I sort of hate that I gave it another chance because I was doing fine at the time. I was over it and happy with life. I am still happy with life and hopeful (not just hopeful for the future but also for today and for every moment). But now I am not over it anymore. It wont let go, and I keep praying and wanting to let go of these feelings, but they are still there.
I am at the point right now where it really doesn't matter if I still have these feelings, I couldn't give it another go because there is no trust. And since there is no trust, I can't see how there can even be friendship. It has sort of all gone bad. Maybe that is the reason I can't let go. Because before, I was just letting go of the fondness, but not the friendship. Now I am letting go of all of it, because the friendship seems to always get me back here, where I don't want to be anymore.

I will give it a go with someone else.
I am willing to trust and fall back in love... with someone else.
I just have to let go of the past... again... and that still hurts.

It sort of has to be a choice though doesn't it. Because heartbreak happens at all ages, and so does betrayal and cheating and all that bad stuff you hope you never have to go through in your life, but you see happening all around. So I am choosing to chose well and hoping that I can be as happy with someone else as I am by myself. I don't need someone else, but I want someone else, because it is such a wonderful experience: to be in love, to be loved, to give love and receive love.
The hurt may hurt a lot, but while its good, it's so worth it. And that is why I chose to do it again, but next time, it will be with someone else. And next time, it will hopefully last longer and be better.
I gave all I could give, and I'll do it again, and hopefully get all he can give in return.
I am sort of excited to see who he will be.

A good job heals a wounded heart

Right now I am so thankful for a job I absolutely love. It was a joy to go back to work after having two days off. I enjoyed relaxing and painting and singing during my time off. But going back to work got my mind off of the more serious and less joyful parts of my life, the things that make their way into my dreams and my waking thoughts when I have too much time.
I had the evening shift, which means it was just me and my darling angels. They make me laugh so much! After putting the two older ones to bed it was just me and the girlies. We watched "So you think you can dance" and I sang along to the songs I knew... it made the two of them laugh so hard! They even danced. I love them!! I love that no matter how bad I am feeling when I arrive at work, I always leave work feeling emotionally .... fulfilled. I feel relaxed, happy and calm.

Tomorrow will be better

I'm not doing so good today and I don't know exactly why. The past few days have been great, but something is just off today. Who am I kidding. I want to be loved, I want to be in love. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms and feel safe.
Last night I had a dream. I dreamt that I got to experience cuddling from a guys perspective. Weird, I know. But I had myself laying in my own arms. I remember it felt better than when I cuddle with a guy. I remember thinking "wow, it is so nice to have someone so safely in your arms, why would he ever want to give this up?". And then I woke up. And I may feel totally fine at times, which is wonderful! and I am so thankful for that! but right now I feel like crap!

I am going to go take a nap.





This last one is just because it made me laugh! which I really enjoyed! I enjoy laughing....

Goldfish vs. New York

Things are happening. I woke up yesterday morning and decided I was going to buy myself a goldfish... then I changed my mind and decided that instead of getting a goldfish I should fly to New York... in September. So just a few minutes ago I bought the tickets. I am not going to NY to see the empire state building, or the statue of liberty... I am going there to follow my heart and be happy. I wanna eat pizza and walk around and hang out with friends and smile and laugh! and maybe see a play on broadway. This is not a trip you anyone should envy me for, because its not a glamour trip. I won't be spending money or doing fancy things. I will be living.
On to other things. I am enjoying the artsy side of life these days. Yesterday I started painting and usually I am not happy with what I am working on and it takes me forever to get started. But this time I forced myself to paint! something... anything! just paint! and I decided it didn't matter if the painting sucked and I hated it, just do something, get something out and on canvas. I hated the painting... I will probably...no, not probably... I will definitely paint over it. But it got me started, and then a couple of hours later I got an idea for a painting I am super excited about. So I started on it and so far so good. It says something. It means something to me. I think what matters is getting your feelings out on canvas and not worrying about what others will think or how it will look. It is my painting. All my best work has been work that represented part of me.
I should go to the garage and get my paintings and put them up on my walls. Why the heck are they still in storage anyways!
But yeah... so, life is good.
I am an artist.... when I feel like it. I love that I get to do that... be an artist one day and a regular Unnur the next. Life is such a wonderful gift!
I am so excited for every day! It makes me laugh how everyday things can be so exciting and fun, and then every once in a while you get to go to New York. I love it!






Its time I dance in public, the way I dance when no one is around :)

A text from outer space

Dear dude,
leave me alone. I don't want to be your friend right now and I don't need your stupid pity texts. You may think I will read what you asked me to read and feel all full of hope and faith... I am full of hope and faith, but your text has nothing to do with it. You should try to work out your own mess of a life and not try to fix me. I don't need your help, I don't need you to fix me and I don't need you to pretend like you receive revelations for me! I don't need you and what's more, I don't WANT you!! so leave me alone.

....What you asked me to read was actually really nice though.

I just don't want this text from you. It's because I am mad at you. If you don't know why, then you are either seriously brain damaged or in major denial.

...I just needed to get that out of my system.

More happiness posts to follow... later.









And so, I wash myself clean of you and hang myself out to dry in the sun.

I love it when life sings with me

I am extremely thankful. Could it be that I have finally come to realize that I am enough. Could it be that heartbreak can last for only two days? Because I have faith in God and love and respect for myself? I am not trying to say that I am totally over him and fine... but I am fine.

This morning I slept in. My unstoppable brain thoughts were nowhere to be seen and so I could safely sleep and dream well until 11am. I worked a 10 hour shift today, and I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating; I LOVE my job!! I didn't cry at all today, instead I laughed and played and worked hard and enjoyed every minute of it! I finally found a job that I am happy to have. I used to think I was a school kind of person, born to be a student because I didn't really enjoy working all that much... but I guess I was just working in all the wrong places. Now I officially love my job, my faith, my school, my family, myself, my hobbies. Life is good! So good in fact that I feel like I am in love, but instead of being in love with someone, I am just in love with life. And I am so happy that this change from being sort of not single to being totally single hasn't ruined my happiness. Because my happiness in life was not totally based on that "relationship". It was just a bonus, and I look forward to getting a bonus again someday. But until then, I am enough, my life is enough. I am happy!
I am also thankful that I am at that place in my life right now where I wont take just any man. I can be picky, because I don't need a man, I can choose who I want to spend my time with. And I will choose someone I can trust, respect and laugh with.

I look forward to a couple of days of time off from work too, which may sound strange after having just declared my love for my job. But the thing is, there is more to life than a job, or a man, or school. I am excited to spend some time with me. I look forward to painting, and maybe writing a song or pretending to play instruments and singing. I look forward to taking a long walk by myself in the sun and maybe dipping my toes in the ocean. I look forward to spending time with my niece, going to a Relief Society meeting, going to the movies, finally watching the first half of the last part of Harry Potter, sleeping, reading, knitting, sunbathing... doing all sorts... ooo maybe I will bake! ... or cook! anyways, you know what I mean. Life is full of wonderfulness! Life is a dream coming true!