Love of self and love of life

I am totally in love with myself. Tonight when I was cleaning off my makeup and brushing my teeth I looked in the mirror and realized I am perfectly happy with the way I look. I like my face, my hair and my body. I also, and more importantly, like who I am. The person I am. Sometimes I get lost in trying to please others. I lose grip of who I really am. I don't like that and am trying my best to take time for myself every day to just be me and remember who I am. so that when I get tempted to jump into people pleasing mode I can better remind myself of who I am and that people pleasing is rarely if ever worth it when you are not being true to yourself. You can however often please people, or bring joy to people, by simply being yourself.
I like that I like myself.

Today was wonderful!! I woke up at 2pm and went to work at 4pm. It was my second evening shift at my new job. I love that I love my job. It is such a wonderful job to have! I love that it makes me feel wonderful. I get to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves. I get to have meaningful conversations with people who can't speak. I get to cook and clean and sing to the songs on the radio. I get to stay in a beautiful home with 5 angels and I get paid for it! And the days when I don't have work, I get to help my family, hang out with friends, read and knit do other things I enjoy doing, develop my talents and learn new things. I get to learn and grow and feel so alive every day. I am totally in love with my life.
to be continued...

lost? no... just blind.

I am in that place again... the place where I know where I want to get to eventually (I know my destination), and I know what my next step should be... but I can't see the road ahead clearly... I can't see how exactly I will get to my destination. I have an idea of how I wish things would turn out... but I don't know anything for sure. It bothers me. I guess I just have to trust God and take one step at a time... and pray... a lot!

Sunsets and pink clouds

I feel like my life is an endless summer sunset these days. Calm, beautiful, happy and hopeful. Who could have known life could be like this. This is different from anything I have ever experienced before, and I love it. I used to be so anxious that I wasn't the right person for someone else. But these days, I am completely enjoying being me. I don't know what comes after the sunset that has lasted for over a week now, and I am not worried about it, because I love the night time; The stars and the moon are just as lovely as the sunset. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that I am exactly where I want to be in life right now. I am happy.

I am not in love, just enjoying falling very slowly. I am also fully aware that I might end up flat on the ground all by myself. But falling in slow motion rarely results in great injury and I thoroughly enjoy my own company, so the thought of face-planting all by myself doesn't scare me much at all. And chances are I might get caught by someone on my way down. I like the idea of that end to this lovely story. Either way, I get to enjoy feeling like this now. Feeling so alive. I'd recommend it to anyone!!

Life is such a gift. I hope I never forget that, I hope I never lose hope, I hope I keep being this optimistic about life, I hope I can continue feeling this blessed throughout my life.

As long as I get to be me

I would like to start by apologizing for the lack of postage on my blog lately. Life has simply been to good to put into words, and I am not complaining. A few weeks/months ago I decided to find myself, to regain control over my own life. I realized I cannot stay happy if I am constantly trying to control everything and everyone around me. I can only control myself. So I got to know who I am and was really happy to see that I actually love myself. Turns out, other people love me too, and they tend to love me more when I am being myself. Isn't life wonderful like that.
There is nothing I can complain about today. The sun is shining, the mood is happy, the future is bright.
Also, every song sounds like a love song to me today... and then every once in a while I will actually listen to the lyrics and think to myself "ohh goodness this song is depressing" but keep being as happy as I can be :)
I wish the rest of the world could feel what I feel today.
It feels sort of a little bit like this:

Bad habits

Sometimes I think I bring a lot of pain into my own life... I am in the habit of seeing the worst, even when it is not there.
When driving I tend to see possible collisions in my head, how things could end badly. When walking down a steep flight of stairs I tend to see how I might fall and get seriously injured. When I am out walking at night I tend to watch for places someone might be hiding in and waiting to attack me. I think I get this from my parents. I think its my codependent need to control. If I can't foresee every possible outcome I can't control anything. Negative outcomes are just easier to control than happy ones.
When I meet a guy I could be interested in, I tend to see us breaking up before anything even starts to happen between us. And then I play this game with him in my mind, a game he doesn't know the rules to. So there is no possible way for him to win and there is no possible way for me to end up being happy. But at least, that way, I know I will get disappointed and heartbroken, so I am in control.
STUPID!!
I did that again. Last night was good, everything was going great, then I accidentally went into crazy mode and started to analyze and see the worst. All of a sudden I started giving meaning to things I had no right to give meaning to. I accused someone of something and then found out I was totally and absolutely wrong! I think it was a good lesson for me. I came home feeling bad, like I had been hurt by someone else. Then I started thinking about it. I asked myself "what did he/she do to hurt me?".... the answer... nothing!! they did nothing wrong, and it was all in my head. I am glad it was all in my head and that I realized it. I also realize I sound absolutely nuts. But I also also think that if you realize you are nuts and you need to fix some things about yourself you are far better off then if you have no idea and just continue having your bad habits thinking they are totally normal.
I want:
-to be happy
-to be in an official relationship (some day, I am not in a hurry, it needs to be with the right guy!)
-be honest and open about my thoughts and feelings
-to be respected and to respect others
-to be happy (being happy is a must for me. I don't function well if I am unhappy... but thankfully it doesn't take much for me to be happy :) I have been laughing and smiling since the moment I was born!)

This I hope and pray for

Today I pray to God to give me strength to do what is best for me, to love and respect others, to leave if I have to, to say what I need to, to just relax and be me. I am scared, which is probably a good thing. I am scared that I will make another mistake. I also know better now then ever before that I can be brave, because I trust that my heavenly father has a plan for me. Looking back on my relatively short life I can see that when I have followed Gods commandments my life has been blessed. I am trying my best to follow them now. I am hoping thats enough to keep me safe. I am totally vulnerable, taking a chance, not knowing the outcome, hoping for the best, but also knowing how badly it could end, if I don't stand up for myself. Dear Father, please help me remember who I am and what you have in store for me! please help me remember that unrighteousness never was happiness, please help me stay free and happy.

I want to smile and be proud of myself when I go to bed tonight.

A guy vs a real man

I fear I may be getting older! I read some old info on me on my blog and noticed that I wrote "I love guys!". Well, I feel more inclined to say "I love men" now. The word "guys" just sounds too young for me. Or rather, too immature. I don't love guys the same way as I love men. Men are mature, ready to commit. Guys mess around with your head and your heart and then leave you for someone younger and thinner. And so, I have come to the conclusion that I do not love guys. In fact, I want to have a little to do with guys as possible. But a real man... I could definitely love a real man!

Thats all I really have to say about that...

ohh wait... I forgot to mention... I know its mean, but whenever I see a guy who is super gorgeous and super buff... I am not interested at all... because most of those guys just seem so stupid to me! I mean... what kind of social skills and knowledge could a super buff/hot guy have really?!?! I just figure that having gone through life spending most of your time watching what you eat, living at the gym and being adored by everyone for your good looks would leave a person shallow, self absorbed and simple minded!

Thats all I really have to say about that...

Belgian Robots and Sushi Salad

What are you guys in Belgium doing on my blog every 7 or so hours? Its sort of weirding me out!!
Every 7 hours or so there is a big spike in the blog viewers log... and more than 400 of you wonderful readers are from Belgium (according to the information my blog thinger gives me).... is that normal? I mean, I am just an everyday type of blogger person... so I wonder if its some sort of virus.
Also, I have been watching Criminal Minds a lot lately, and when I realized there was a pattern... that more than 20 people from Belgium read/check out my blog every 7 hours I sort of got the feeling that this is part of some bigger devious plan! So what are you Belgians up to?
naaaaa just kidding! ..... but seriously though... are you guys real people who actually check out my blog? ... I will be anxiously awaiting a comment on this blog post... I hope you are real people and not some computer, taking over the world one blog at a time!!

Also also... I was craving sushi today... but there was no imitation crab or salmon to be had... I just had some cod or something in the fridge. I also happened to have some soy sauce, wasabi, cooked rice, a cucumber, a bowl and some chop sticks... which is all you really need to whip up some sushi salad. Simple and ohh so tasty!! yum!

And then came the calm after the storm... and the calm was welcomed and offered to stay

I am so hungry for something... but not food. I can't put my finger on what it is, and thats pretty annoying to me!
So I just keep eating and eating and it doesn't fill me up. I need to stop eating, because I know that its not food I need. I need to just be happy with the direction my life is heading in. Thing is I feel pretty happy, or at least content with life. I just wish there was more excitement, more pleasant surprises, more freshness! It seems pretty "same old, same old" these days. I am not in love with anyone, I am not interested in anyone, I am working, I am a student, I am content. But there has to be more!! Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and go to New York or someplace exciting... finish my education from there, through the internet. But at the same time I think I should just stick it out. I just have to get through the next 11 months and try to do exciting new things every once in a while. Today I went to a football match (that is soccer, for you American types) It was so much fun. That is what I am talking about... just little things like that... I need to have something to look forward to.
I love being me, and am truly thankful for getting to be me, and getting a break from all the drama. This is the first time in a LONG time I haven't been interested in anyone of the opposite sex (and to those who have been following my blog, I do believe I have successfully moved on :) YAY for FREEDOM! ) I feels very calm, very nice... but not excited... I guess what I am trying to say is I don't want to feel like I need to be interested in someone for life to be exciting and fun. I can have fun without someone else bringing fun into my life. I can be excited about every day life without it having to do with some guy/man.
Actually, I am getting pretty excited about not liking anyone for a while. I think that sounds amazingly good! Its a relief!
I mean,my days are getting consistently wonderful, take today for example. I slept in and felt good when I woke up, which didn't use to be the case, I had problems sleeping and would wake up feeling sad/worried/mad/heartbroken/other negative feelings. I took my time getting ready, picked my clothes based on what I wanted to wear and what was comfortable, looked super hot! and wasn't worried at all weather "he" thought/would think I looked sexy. then hung out with my sister, my nieces and my friend Kleio. The whole day went by and I never once wondered what "he" was doing or feelt upset because "he" didn't call me or text me. I enjoyed it thoroughly! I went to a football match and was totally happy to be there with my brothers and sis-in-law and not sad because "he" didn't come with us. "he" can do whatever he wants... it doesn't affect me anymore, and that feels so good!! I can't even express in words how good that feels.
I do miss the cuddles and I do miss kissing and all the good times... but I am not willing to give this up just yet. I want to get to relax and just be me for a while... and then hopefully the next guy I get interested in will like me for me. And I would love it if next time "he" would treat me like a lady, hold my hand in public, show my interests interest, want me to shine... like in Stardust... the movie... Its very hard for me to hide my feelings, and I don't want to have to hide my feelings or my relationships ever again! I just want to keep being happy :) and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Very young girls

There are a few things I REALLY REALLY want to do in life. I want to be a wife and mom some day and I look forward to it.
The other thing I REALLY REALLY REALLY want is to help women who have been sexually abused and sexually exploited. There is this organization in New York I really want to work at. There is a lot of talk in Iceland about prostitution and weather or not it is a problem. I believe it's a much bigger problem than we realize. The women's center here in Iceland is looking for a place to open up a home for women who have been in human trafficking, to help them out. I wanna work there, but I think it would be really really good to get some experience in a place where there is experience to take from.
There is this documentary I think everyone should watch.
check it!
http://www.zshare.net/video/62594579788dfacf/

Summer brings spiders, Unnur brings death!

I haven't really felt motivated to blog lately. I guess it's because I have been feeling just fine... not super happy and not upset.
Nothing super excited has happened in the last couple of days... We had some friends over from the states, which was awesome, but I didn't really feel the need to blog about it.
Probably the most blogworthy thing that has happened is the marathon runner spider in my room. Spiders, and bugs in general, are not my favorite... except worms, I think worms are cute... I don't know why. But every time it rains and the sidewalks are crowded with drowning worms my heart hurts a little bit for them. I don't feel the need to harm bugs though... in fact, I really don't want to kill bugs at all!
Back to the spider, I was going to bed the other night and saw this spider on the middle of my floor. It was probably standing completely still, holding its breath, hoping it would blend in with the dust bunnies on my floor and that I would turn out my lights and go to bed without noticing it. It was hoping and praying it would survive. But I saw it. Poor thing, was shaking in its knees! all 8 of them... or 6... I don't remember how many legs spiders have. Anyways, I almost decided to just turn out the lights and go to bed anyways... because I was too scared of it to get rid of it... but too much of a coward to kill it. But then when I had just turned out the lights I realized I would never be able to fall asleep with a huge spider running rampid in my room. So I quickly turned on the light again, got a jar that was sitting on my desk. It was full of water since I usually drink water from jars through a straw... so I watered Chuck Norris, my plant, with the rest of my water, threw away the straw and then attempted to catch the spider with the jar... The spider sensed danger and started running! and it was like a freaking cheetah! so I had to move fast to catch it... which I did... but then I was too scared to do anything more with it... so i just left the jar on the floor. For the next three days it was just sitting there, and I thought the spider must have died by then... my brother came by and decided to tease his wife, who was in the room with us. He moved the jar and found out the spider was still alive. I felt HORRIBLE!! poor thing starved to death on my bedroom floor and it took days! can you imagine how long that is for a tiny little spider.
I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me!

Later
THIS JUST IN!! the spider lives!! I am not a spider killer! although I have grossly neglected it... but I will make sure to have a brave someone help me set it free in our yard tomorrow. woohoo!